Is Nicklas Bendtner a mechaphile??

So I was planning on doing something about the Tottenham game on Sunday this morning. But things change in football. Especially with Nicklas Bendtner still on the payroll. The Tottenham stuff can wait until tomorrow.

For those have not already read about it, Nicklas Bendtner was recently exposed as someone who likes to have sex with cars. A Mechaphile.

A mechaphile is a paraphilia involving a sexual attraction to machines such as bicycles, motor vehicles, helicopters and aeroplanes. In 2008, a British man admitted to of had sex with over 1,000 cars. What Bendtner’s figure currently stands at is a mystery.

Why someone would find a vehicle attractive is a mystery to me. Fair enough, I can picture someone using the exhaust pipe as a sort of flesh light, of a female using the gear stick as a dildo, but to be sexually attracted to a machine just makes you a wrong in. In some countries, you are put on the sex offenders list for enjoying liaisons with a car. It makes you weirder then a Welshman and his enjoyment of sheep.

But what should Arsenal do with Nicklas Bendtner? His list of shame is slowly starting to catch up Joey Barton.

May 2009 – Pictured falling out of a London nightclub with his trousers down his ankles
August 2009 – Changed his Arsenal shirt number to 52 to reflect is salary, £52,000
September 2009 – Write off his £160,000 Aston Martin in a high speed crash. Was found in his underwear
February 2011 – Dumped his current girlfriend, Baroness Caroline Iuel-Brockdorff, 7 months after she gave birth to his son
December 2011 – Arrested for causing £4,000 worth of damage to cars. Charges dropped
June 2012 – Fined €100,000 after showing his sponsered boxer shorts having scored a goal
March 2013 – Suspended by Denmark for 6 months after being arrested for drink driving
November 2013 – Cautioned for criminal damage within his own apartment block
March 2014 – Drunken rant at a taxi driver, which lead him to dropping his pants and rubbing himself on the taxi on a unathorised trip to Denmark

Nicklas Bendtner is clearly a wrong ‘un. It has been known for a few years, and Arsenal have attempted to ship him out a few times. Firstly to Sunderland after his loan deal, most recently to Crystal Palace on a free. Yet he remains with the club.

It seems that the only person who believes that Bendtner is a top player is Bendtner himself. He once said he could play for Real Madrid or Barcelona. He is more likely to play for HMS Pentoville. So what can Arsenal do with Niklas Bendtner?

There is a call on twitter for Arsenal to sack him. unfortunately it is not as easy as that. Whilst it is clear he has committed gross misconduct, and a court would likely hold up our decision to terminate his contract, the decision would lead to a drawn out process and a costly court case. With his contract expering in June, it would just not be worth our time.

The club should fine him the maximum possible for going abroad without the clubs consent. They should follow this up by telling him he is no longer required to report to training. Hang him out to dry. Keep paying him for the next 11 weeks (or however long his contract has left) and explain that his services are no longer required at the club.

Some who say we should make him rot in the reserves are out of touch. The reserves are now basically our youth team. Sending a disruptive influence like Bendtner to train with the reserves would not be a good move, as there will be a chance that he will pass on his bad attitude to said players. Do we also want him encouraging our youngsters to have sex with cars?

Come the summer, Bendtner will no longer be Arsenal’s problem. Until then, we just keep away from the training ground, especially the car park.


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